I have two weeks left in my site & I'm looking back on the past two years. Did I blog and journal like I imagined I would? Nope. Did I get in better shape? Nope. Did I become fully fluent in Spanish? Nope. Did I make friends with everyone in my community? Nope. Did I goto mass every Sunday? Nope.
It's funny what you imagine for yourself & how your expectations are rarely realized. I don't post about difficult moments on FB, so photos often don't tell the full story. It's definitely not easy being a Peace Corps Volunteer, but I've truly been inspired and grateful for this journey in Panama since day one. If I can measure change in me since starting 2 years ago, here's what I can definitively say: I now like Justin Bieber's music; I can have conversations in Spanish with just about anyone as long as they're not yelling; I have hiked and swum in amazing locations; I have gained more insight into what I want in life; I have new friends from all over the USA; I have people here in Panama that I will miss and treasure forever; I have gotten a great deal of sleep and used a lot of sun block & have survived without sunburns; I have read a lot of books (and watched a lot of movies....); I have gone through pairs of shoes from wear and tear; I have learned the differences in nice and gross outhouses/latrines; I have slept in a hammock in a rickety shed; I have camped on a beautiful beach and in a beautiful forest; I have showered under the stars; I have bucket showered & bathed in rivers; I have ridden in the backs of trucks up winding mountain roads hanging on during the bumpy rides; I have single handedly kept Gatorade in business (I'd like to be considered for your next spokesperson); I've lost toenails and been stuck up to my knees in mud; I've attempted and failed at gardening; I've learned to love fried chicken for breakfast; I've had my full torso, arms, and most of my legs "painted" by an indigenous/Embera woman (probably the highlight of my service); I've ridden in hollowed out canoes; I've eaten a lot of mangos; I've tried pig and chicken feet; I've laughed so hard and cried so hard, too; I've had my feelings hurt very badly by other volunteers at times; I've had my heart broken by well intentioned Panamanians who have let me down; I have undoubtedly hurt feelings and let others down, too; I have had crushes that never worked out; I have been hit on by some absolute crazies; I have talked about my faith a lot; I have been upset by how some Catholics behave in Panama and surprised/alarmed to learn that Priests' educations vary based on country; I have seen Nemo & Dory together while snorkeling; I have learned to scuba dive; I have had all my pictures lost when my camera was stolen; I have slept for 2 years in a hot climate without a/c (but not without my fan!!!); I have sweat so so so so so so much; I have learned to sleep with only a light sheet; I've become someone who showers about 3 xs a day; My yoga mat has been used more for sleeping on than I used it for exercise; I have written a fair amount of letters; I have gone from feeling brave for once rescuing a bat to feeling brave because I have killed two; I have given many workshops/seminars to adults and felt good about it; I have been embarrassed by my language skills on many occasions; I started as intermediate low Spanish and now am advanced low Spanish; I can say certain parts of the mass in Spanish and know some songs; I have felt extreme jealousy and extreme pride in other volunteers; I have worn the same 10 outfits for 2 years; I have had boring dreams about real life conversations; I have had teacher nightmares despite not being a classroom teacher (PTSD?); I have fallen in love with ESL; I have been on beaches that few people have visited; I have been able to see my family a few times, but it still feels like not enough when I see how my niece and nephews are growing up; I have felt really alone at times being a Catholic PCV; I have felt very special & honored; I have felt under utilized; I have felt overwhelmed; I have cried at a lunch table during training after a particularly tough Spanish class when I didn't realize I was sick and my host dad told me it's okay and I'm going to be ok, forever carving a place into my heart and solidifying a bond with that family forever; I have felt terrified to leave Panama; I have felt ready. Two weeks left with people and a place that I never imagined for myself. Two weeks left. As I write, my counterpart and friend is picking me up to take me to Santa Fe, where I was told we'd go for two years, but I doubted would happen by now. She is on her way. It is happening. I'm ecstatic. One day at a time in Peace Corps. I have grown in ways I never envisioned and failed in ways I thought I would excel at. Things have been incredibly easy and incredibly hard. It's a rollercoaster ride of emotions. It's seemingly impossible to prepare for.
My experience at this point can be best described by my pineapple: I had a pineapple top in my kitchen for like 2 weeks and I kept meaning to throw it away but never did, so finally during a crazy downpour, I fiendishly cleaned my house and threw the pineapple pathetically from the inside of my house to my back yard embarrassed, knowing I've missed the chance to salvage it. Well- a month later I noticed the pineapple top had taken root and had begun to grow. It is still growing. That is my metaphor for my service.
Beloved
ReplyDeleteBeautiful! I look forward to your return.
ReplyDeleteYou know that muy family and I love you forever and we're so proud of u because u are an incredible person that we never met. You and I have a "salida de despedida pendiente".
ReplyDeleteXoxo
Wina
The Great and Wonderful Kelly Flynn-
ReplyDeleteOver the years and countless months, weeks and days I must admit I have not consistently read your blog posts. However, ever so occasionally when I found myself in moments of reflection upon which very few people ever truly will understand I often have turned to your blog posts. You know my background for the most part, but one of the most game changing experiences in my life was serving through the Amigos de las Americas program. Much of what you have described I embarked upon too, especially since my life has always progressed in a manner of quickness. Once again I find myself in a position in which challenges not only me physically, but mentally and spiritually to do what must be done to yield the results that my heart desires. Nevertheless, I find myself reading one of your blog posts. Unfortunately, it saddens me that this one will be one of the last ones you write from the vantage point of where you find yourself now. When you come back to the States your entire perception and way you view every part of society will change. I believe that experiences like yours shapes you even more than what you were beforehand to be a phenomenal leader and friend. However, please do remember that everyone is called to be a leader, but one of the most exciting parts of realizing that is knowing that outside your ranks people don't understand you and inside your ranks they don't understand you as well. You have always had a special place in my heart and I cannot wait to hear more about your Panamanian Experience, but more importantly the fire that has been set in your heart.
With the Best Regards, Your Friend,
Joshua House
Contact:
housej@xavier.edu or joshhouse25@gmail.com
(202)-468-5402