What? What? What are you doing?!?

Hey, so I think it's that time when I'm able to give a little bit of clarity in to what I'm doing here in PC Panama.

First of all, my journey started with the thought of:

Not everyone understands this feeling, but some of you out there totally do. So, I did. I decided I needed some change. Following college graduation, I have worked as a high school English teacher. I was in the PACT program - a service Master's program at Providence College. I taught in Massachusetts and Washington, DC. I was not burnt out, but I decided I needed something different, but I'm just too practical to take off and live in a new country for awhile. Ever since I could afford it, I've traveled, but my real dream has been to live and work abroad. So, as I stated - I took the leap. I knew I wanted to feel fulfilled and challenged in my work, and I have always had a large heart for service. I had heard of several exceptional programs for international service work, but one, CRS (Catholic Relief Services), required that I be bilingual and have lived overseas for an entire year. Now, if you add up all my time combined - I've definitely lived overseas for more than a year, but the reality is, I still wasn't bilingual. That being said - I haven't given up on the CRS idea. So I realized that in order to be truly helpful in the 'international aid world', one needs to be bilingual. I knew that if I stayed working as a HS English teacher, I'd never have the time to properly learn a language. I talked to a trusted Catholic mentor who had done PC in Kenya, and I decided okay - I think this could be my path. And I told myself that if I was told no - okay, that's the end of this, but if it all happens, then I'm all in.  I went to my interview in November of 2013 and that's when things  s   l   o  w   e   d  down.

It says on the application (or at least it did - now things are a little different with the new application) that you should be prepared to leave within 1 year of the time you submit your application. But it took well over that. So, I kept the high school where I taught aware of the situation, and thankfully, they were supportive. I finally got my invitation to serve, and I spoke to my school about leaving after midterm exams. 

After all that, I felt a little bit like this.

It wasn't easy, but mostly because of the amount of time and effort it took for me to get here. I had to take a CLEP test to prove I had some language skills to be considered for a Spanish speaking nation. I had numerous doctor's appointments and had to pay for so much stuff. Shots, dentists appts, new Rxs, worrying about my insurance ending, ayiyiyi. And then just submitting the paperwork required so much effort. This is, of course, on top of full-time teaching 5 high school English courses, which if you're ignorant to this - we teachers have a massive amount of grading to do on a weekly basis. And I coached volleyball in the fall and co-moderated the yearbook up until my departure. Lastly, I had to sell my possessions and pack up what remained of my DC apartment to move myself and my stuff home to my parents' home in Florida. I'm not asking for a medal, I'm merely painting a picture as to why I can say that yes, I felt overwhelmed prior to my arrival in Panamá.

But a slower, more simplistic life is what I'm aiming for. I'm not claiming I'll be able to perfect my life in the PC or anything that dramatic. Plus, any journey story makes it clear that in order to find oneself - just go back to the starting point. I do want to change though. Maybe it will be subtle. I understand that my experience in PC will likely be different than those without my same life experiences, but I too want personal growth, even if it just means learning more about what makes me, me. Already I have made some self discoveries. These are things I knew, but now I know I know them. If that makes sense. I have learned that I adjust to situations well. And I've learned that I have a gift that others often struggle with. I get along well with others. I have empathy for others and an ability to connect with people. Like I said, I kind of knew these things, but after witnessing others struggling, I realized that this gift sets me apart. I've also learned just how tough I am on myself. I've wanted to learn Spanish more quickly than I have. I don't know why I thought it would be a faster process, but I did! So now I'm trying to be kinder to myself. I wanted adventure. I wanted to be lost and confused and frustrated. Mission accomplished. I wanted to laugh, to jump in rivers, to speak comfortably in Spanish, to see the many beautiful sites in Panamá. Well, that's just begun.

I know that in all my life struggles I've experienced the most growth, so while I'm not hoping for hard times ahead - I'm confident that there will be plenty of chances for self growth. So, this is me taking my shot at taking some time for me. Already, I'm reaping benefits. I'm excited to see what discoveries are made on the adventure ahead. Because here I am, in Panamá, with two years to learn about another culture and language, with two years to make personal connections, with two years to help a community, with two years to travel in Panamá, and with two years to grow as a person.

Let's Do This!

Drinking the PC Kool-Aid.

For clarity's sake, I just need to explain a few things that may not be ubiquitously understood.

1. Panamá has the most PCVs serving in one country than any other. Around 200 or more. 
2.  There are 4 sectors here in Panamá. All 4 sectors are focused on sustainability. Meaning, when we leave - things keep moving without us. 
1. TE (what I'm in) English Teacher Trainers/Education Realm. We were asked by MEDUCA (Ministry of Education) to come in and help strengthen English education here in Panamá.
2. CEC  "Community Environmental Conservation (CEC) - Works with youth and communities on the management of watersheds, protected areas, solid waste and ecotourism development." -Wikipedia CEC 76 was in my training group, but they lived in a different city.
3. SAS "Sustainable Agriculture Systems (SAS) - Provides technical assistance to small farmers in high production, low-impact organic farming techniques." -Wikipedia
4. EH "Environmental Health (EH) - Volunteers train local groups to operate, maintain and manage community water, sanitation and health systems." -Wikipedia
3. Panama while seemingly developed is actually not. Sure, there is the beautiful capital and some excellent tourism in a small portion of this gorgeous country, but the reality is - many places are without water. Even more are without clean water. There are many health concerns, there is malaria, the pregnancy rate is atrocious for teen girls, and while in this American English teacher's opinion, the American educational system definitely needs a tune up, the Panamanian system needs an overhaul. Frustratingly enough, Peace Corps will not fix the educational system. For instance, we cannot fix the fact that students do not turn in assignments and face no repercussions. While I think grades matter too much at home, they matter too little here. Instead, we must take the "starfish story" approach, and focus on helping one starfish at a time. For instance, yes, sexual education could benefit young couples, but so could conversations regarding their goals for the future. PCVs can help with both.
4.  We have 10 weeks of training in a Panamanian community as we live with a host family. We have Spanish classes for 4 hours a day and technical classes for the other half. We are absolutely babied for 10 weeks and then after Swear In, we are birthed into the world to breathe on our own.   
5. From past stories I've heard, PC has definitely changed over the years and through technological advances, we're really not that far out of touch with the rest of the world, which has its advantages and disadvantages. I think some of the major changes have happened as a result of security issues, which I can understand as a teacher. All rules are put in place because something or someone caused it to become a rule.
6.  Now I'm here in my site. I have to send in reports to prove I'm doing service to the powers on high (in this case, Washington and the taxpayers), and I have to attend meetings and trainings, but the reality is - my service is in my hands. It's liberating and frightening to have so much freedom, but this is what I signed up for. So, what am I doing? Well, I'll be able to explain better after some time. Teachers know that rarely do we see the fruits of our labor within a short period of time. So, if you're like me, and you're curious to find out what - if any - impact I will have on my community, you will need to learn one of the most necessary of tools for life here in Panamá, not to mention the most important tool as an educator: Patience.

 Take a breath. And wait. The bus will come. The meeting will start. The rain will stop. The electricity will come back on. This meeting will end. There will be results. In time. 

Oh and for anyone concerned - don't worry. I don't actually believe Peace Corps is the greatest organization in the world. (In reference to my title about drinking the Kool-Aid.) It is one of many great organizations that does excellent work in developing nations, but I am quite proud to be working for Peace Corps as a PCV, and I am honored that I get to live and work in Panamá. But I do seriously believe that every one should own a hammock. I'll save that for another day.

La Peña - my home.

I'm here. I'm in La Peña. And it's hot. I mean hot. Hot Hot.

It's hot, but I bought a fan that changed everything:

You're probably like oh Kelly, that's silly. But no, seriously. Game changer. That fan. My counterpart helped me get one and then my family helped me exchange it when the first one was missing parts. Hurray for knowing people.

Heroes come in all sizes. 

So, on Friday there was a celebration of black Panamanians. (Think African American history month, but way cooler because there was music and food, not just reading stories!) Here's some pictures of the dancing and some videos. I don't fully know how the ballroom type dance fits in, but no importa - it's quality stuff!

Also, please note that yes - black face is a thing during this. Actually one kid went all out and is wearing some dark brown legging type pants too. I won't say more other than - here it seems to be a true respect for a culture that has definitely helped shape Panama.

So, La Peña - I arrived just in time for exam week and vacation. I am trying to get my bearings and learn more about the community. I did attend a rosary prayer with my host mom and brother. I had NO idea where we were headed, which is almost always the case here in Panama, and I wished I had brought translations, so I could say it along with them, but now I'm ready for the next possible time.

Seriously, my life is a constant state of mystery. My Abuelo here did say - Kelly, this is your home. It was a very sweet thing to say, and I've taken it to heart.

After 3 mos. I will move out, but part of me is questioning the sanity in doing this when clearly I've got a good thing going here. I do wish I had more privacy though. It's tough having Marina (housekeeper) around all of the time during the day. Fingers crossed my new place will have all my essentials: water, electricity, no creepy strangers.

Also, I'm hoping we head someplace for our vacation break!!!

My family has wifi - hence I am able to update the blog here. It's taking a long time, but the great part now that I've actually started my service is - I have free time! It's brilliant. 

Love from La Peña.

Recollections.

So, I’m aware I’ve dropped off the blogging world. I can argue that this is mostly because I’ve been living, and thus, I’ve been busy, but I do think about how I wanted to write and share, because I did, but I just couldn’t make myself take the time to write when I have been trying to study my Spanish and enjoy my family.

I really feel so lucky to have gotten to know my past family. They really were the perfect fit for me,

even though at first I wondered how I got placed with so many animals! Fortunately, the dogs didn’t live inside, so it worked. Now I weirdly miss the roosters even. My last night, my family was found in the kitchen watching a video explaining how to make lasagna. Then we feasted on lasagna (with chicken and beef!) and fresh tomatoes. I made a few desserts that final week (brownies twice and cookies once) and when I brought home thank you flowers that final night, my mom had been making the chicken for the lasagna and she hugged me with her raw chicken hands. Hahahaha it was hilarious and gross. There was like a chicken handprint on my back, and because that day I was wearing an actual tank top, it was actually my back. Bleht. It was a little sad leaving for many reasons, but I had been really hoping to meet Yessi’s newborn born: Brian Enrique, but he hadn’t been permitted to leave the hospital yet. At least I got to spend time with all of them.  I could head back to their house to meet the baby if I could make it back in one day, since I’m not supposed to be gone during my first 3 mos. Anyway, I had really wanted to see the baby when he was a few days old because that’s so rare to get to hold a newborn! So I officially left.

As I’m writing, I’m now in my new home of La Peña with my new host family. A huge sound of thunder just sounded the whole house. (Just helping you envision life in Panama.)

Funny and Strange Moments:

-       Girl dropped her smart phone in a latrine. (Ain't no coming back from that... not to mention it's basically impossible to reach.)

-     Dillon: “Kelly, psst… the key just fell out of the ignition and the car is still moving…” (On the drive to Penonome for tech week.) It’s still unclear to me how that was not an issue for the bus driver. 

-       Easter Vigil Mass, supposedly started at 6 pm, but it really started at 830 and ended around 930 and we were given a rice and chicken and ceviche on crackers. Delish.When the Priest made small talk I understood nothing.

-       I literally had ants in my pants. Oh and I got them from the latrine.

-       I had a scorpion in my bra.  I calmly got it out and killed it with the help of my friend, Jody. He let me know he was there, and luckily I brought a tissue with me on my walk up la loma. His remains rest in pieces there near la loma.

-       I saw a coral snake on the sidewalk one morning. (Still alive.) He poked it with a stick. We didn't realize that coral snakes can look different than the ones in Florida. (We're still alive, too.)

-       During Semana Santa (Holy Week) my parents went out of town, so I stayed at home alone. There are some beliefs people have here during Semana Santa. Apparently there’s some spirits that are around during Semana Week. Also, if you swim in the river on Good Friday, you can become a mermaid. I mean, people really believe this. Really. REALLY. It’s like pasmo. People genuinely believe you’ll get sick from cold water after a workout or stepping into a/c when you’re too hot. So, during Semana Santa I stepped on a snake. From age 5-18 and all the times I’ve been back, I’ve never stepped on a snake in Florida. 2 mos., in Panama and yup, I stepped on a snake. I’m gonna go ahead and say it was a rat snake, even if it’s not true. It lived for those of you concerned. Also, later that night a lizard jumped on my hand – so who knows about the truths to crazy things happening during Semana Santa! But the awesome thing about Semana Santa is the fantastic feasting! There is no fasting, just eating and more eating! And wow the food is so good! I can’t wait for Holy Week next year! I don’t know if my new family feasts the same way, but man am I gonna miss my Santa Rita family then! We cooked this huge jambalaya type meal (but not spicey). It had assorted seafood stuff in it. YUM!

-       Dillon and Natalie were lied to about their meal once. It was pig head. Hahaha. Natalie said she saw whiskers.

-       Also, during Semana Santa, since I was left alone, they left my pal Osito home with me. (dog) Name means little bear. He and I are buddies. I saw he had a tick on him, so I helped remove it. At first I was gonna use a rock but then he ran away from me. I forgot that people throw rocks at dogs here. But then I used a fork. Hahaha It was effective. The tick was so big that it wasn't too hard to remove. Yup, then I killed it. SO FOUL. I can’t unsee that. Unfeel that. Unhear that. Bleht.

Meanwhile, after the huge thunder – no hay lluvia. There’s no rain. Arg.

-       Found a poison dart frog in my bed.  
-       Swore in as an official volunteer! I forced Joel take this picture with me to make it "official." The second pic is my Group 76 Veraguas Crew! Small but mighty - but for real - they're tiny women.

(Left: Roxana will live around 20 minutes away and Right: Kara around 40? I think. Tyler will be the future RL in Santiago (aka Regional Leader of Veraguas.)

So at this point, I've been in site for a little less than a week. Some highlights include: receiving rides to Santiago to pick up my mail at the PO and finding I had packages from my mom waiting. And one of my counterparts also took me to the fan store. Everything is in Santiago, and while it's not that far away - it's not walking distance close. Honestly, little things like this just make your life so much easier when living somewhere else. I didn't know where the PO really was (aka I couldn't remember exactly) and having her help made it so much easier. Also, having help to know where to purchase a fan was huge, too. Now super cheap - but it's gonna last me 2 years! That is, after I opened the box to build it, and I realized I had 2 of the same part and needed a different part - my family offered to drive me back to the store to exchange it. Miracle of Miracles! What a relief. I had no idea how I was going to make it back to the store with a heavy box in the bus, especially not knowing where I was going. Lesson learned: always take the floor model whenever possible in Panalife.

Feeling grateful for my family here, for my counterparts here, for electricity and for running water. And for the hilarious life as a fish out of water, but I wouldn't have it any other way!

Muchisimas Gracias y Chao Santa Rita!

There was a giant despedida for Santa Rita and our awesome families before we headed to our new sites.

We dressed in polleras and other fantastic indigenous outfits. We served food, we sang and danced, and we had a good time.

My family arrived a little late, but since Yessi had been in the hospital after the C-section - I was just happy they could come!

My house is there with Jose y Miriam. You can kind of get a feel for how we were out in the boonies.

Kenia lent me a giant beautiful pollera and trembleques for my hair. And so began the festivities. I helped dish out the food, and I also helped sing the National Anthem (with a group) and "It's a Grand Ole' Flag." See video:

I just wanted to highlight some of the best photos and moments of Santa Rita now that it's time to say adios.

Osito! My pretend dog and actual buddy.





Here's my awesome Spanish class. We made some deliciosa comida on the last class day. My view in class is on the right. Good ole Nat and Dillon. I think Randee had left already.


Kenia is our teacher here with me as we cook our meal. Here we are again. Hanging out in the dorms before we headed to site.






 These guys: awesome bug eating lizards.

Erin and I pose in our costumes.    Here I am on one of my final loma walks with friends. Funny enough, I really wanted to go with just a few people, and then more came - and now I consider it a pretty special memory.

"It's not the Destination. It's the Journey."

-"Self Reliance" Thoreau.