I have two weeks left in my site & I'm looking back on the past two years. Did I blog and journal like I imagined I would? Nope. Did I get in better shape? Nope. Did I become fully fluent in Spanish? Nope. Did I make friends with everyone in my community? Nope. Did I goto mass every Sunday? Nope.
It's funny what you imagine for yourself & how your expectations are rarely realized. I don't post about difficult moments on FB, so photos often don't tell the full story. It's definitely not easy being a Peace Corps Volunteer, but I've truly been inspired and grateful for this journey in Panama since day one. If I can measure change in me since starting 2 years ago, here's what I can definitively say: I now like Justin Bieber's music; I can have conversations in Spanish with just about anyone as long as they're not yelling; I have hiked and swum in amazing locations; I have gained more insight into what I want in life; I have new friends from all over the USA; I have people here in Panama that I will miss and treasure forever; I have gotten a great deal of sleep and used a lot of sun block & have survived without sunburns; I have read a lot of books (and watched a lot of movies....); I have gone through pairs of shoes from wear and tear; I have learned the differences in nice and gross outhouses/latrines; I have slept in a hammock in a rickety shed; I have camped on a beautiful beach and in a beautiful forest; I have showered under the stars; I have bucket showered & bathed in rivers; I have ridden in the backs of trucks up winding mountain roads hanging on during the bumpy rides; I have single handedly kept Gatorade in business (I'd like to be considered for your next spokesperson); I've lost toenails and been stuck up to my knees in mud; I've attempted and failed at gardening; I've learned to love fried chicken for breakfast; I've had my full torso, arms, and most of my legs "painted" by an indigenous/Embera woman (probably the highlight of my service); I've ridden in hollowed out canoes; I've eaten a lot of mangos; I've tried pig and chicken feet; I've laughed so hard and cried so hard, too; I've had my feelings hurt very badly by other volunteers at times; I've had my heart broken by well intentioned Panamanians who have let me down; I have undoubtedly hurt feelings and let others down, too; I have had crushes that never worked out; I have been hit on by some absolute crazies; I have talked about my faith a lot; I have been upset by how some Catholics behave in Panama and surprised/alarmed to learn that Priests' educations vary based on country; I have seen Nemo & Dory together while snorkeling; I have learned to scuba dive; I have had all my pictures lost when my camera was stolen; I have slept for 2 years in a hot climate without a/c (but not without my fan!!!); I have sweat so so so so so so much; I have learned to sleep with only a light sheet; I've become someone who showers about 3 xs a day; My yoga mat has been used more for sleeping on than I used it for exercise; I have written a fair amount of letters; I have gone from feeling brave for once rescuing a bat to feeling brave because I have killed two; I have given many workshops/seminars to adults and felt good about it; I have been embarrassed by my language skills on many occasions; I started as intermediate low Spanish and now am advanced low Spanish; I can say certain parts of the mass in Spanish and know some songs; I have felt extreme jealousy and extreme pride in other volunteers; I have worn the same 10 outfits for 2 years; I have had boring dreams about real life conversations; I have had teacher nightmares despite not being a classroom teacher (PTSD?); I have fallen in love with ESL; I have been on beaches that few people have visited; I have been able to see my family a few times, but it still feels like not enough when I see how my niece and nephews are growing up; I have felt really alone at times being a Catholic PCV; I have felt very special & honored; I have felt under utilized; I have felt overwhelmed; I have cried at a lunch table during training after a particularly tough Spanish class when I didn't realize I was sick and my host dad told me it's okay and I'm going to be ok, forever carving a place into my heart and solidifying a bond with that family forever; I have felt terrified to leave Panama; I have felt ready. Two weeks left with people and a place that I never imagined for myself. Two weeks left. As I write, my counterpart and friend is picking me up to take me to Santa Fe, where I was told we'd go for two years, but I doubted would happen by now. She is on her way. It is happening. I'm ecstatic. One day at a time in Peace Corps. I have grown in ways I never envisioned and failed in ways I thought I would excel at. Things have been incredibly easy and incredibly hard. It's a rollercoaster ride of emotions. It's seemingly impossible to prepare for.
My experience at this point can be best described by my pineapple: I had a pineapple top in my kitchen for like 2 weeks and I kept meaning to throw it away but never did, so finally during a crazy downpour, I fiendishly cleaned my house and threw the pineapple pathetically from the inside of my house to my back yard embarrassed, knowing I've missed the chance to salvage it. Well- a month later I noticed the pineapple top had taken root and had begun to grow. It is still growing. That is my metaphor for my service.
