What? What? What are you doing?!?

Hey, so I think it's that time when I'm able to give a little bit of clarity in to what I'm doing here in PC Panama.

First of all, my journey started with the thought of:

Not everyone understands this feeling, but some of you out there totally do. So, I did. I decided I needed some change. Following college graduation, I have worked as a high school English teacher. I was in the PACT program - a service Master's program at Providence College. I taught in Massachusetts and Washington, DC. I was not burnt out, but I decided I needed something different, but I'm just too practical to take off and live in a new country for awhile. Ever since I could afford it, I've traveled, but my real dream has been to live and work abroad. So, as I stated - I took the leap. I knew I wanted to feel fulfilled and challenged in my work, and I have always had a large heart for service. I had heard of several exceptional programs for international service work, but one, CRS (Catholic Relief Services), required that I be bilingual and have lived overseas for an entire year. Now, if you add up all my time combined - I've definitely lived overseas for more than a year, but the reality is, I still wasn't bilingual. That being said - I haven't given up on the CRS idea. So I realized that in order to be truly helpful in the 'international aid world', one needs to be bilingual. I knew that if I stayed working as a HS English teacher, I'd never have the time to properly learn a language. I talked to a trusted Catholic mentor who had done PC in Kenya, and I decided okay - I think this could be my path. And I told myself that if I was told no - okay, that's the end of this, but if it all happens, then I'm all in.  I went to my interview in November of 2013 and that's when things  s   l   o  w   e   d  down.

It says on the application (or at least it did - now things are a little different with the new application) that you should be prepared to leave within 1 year of the time you submit your application. But it took well over that. So, I kept the high school where I taught aware of the situation, and thankfully, they were supportive. I finally got my invitation to serve, and I spoke to my school about leaving after midterm exams. 

After all that, I felt a little bit like this.

It wasn't easy, but mostly because of the amount of time and effort it took for me to get here. I had to take a CLEP test to prove I had some language skills to be considered for a Spanish speaking nation. I had numerous doctor's appointments and had to pay for so much stuff. Shots, dentists appts, new Rxs, worrying about my insurance ending, ayiyiyi. And then just submitting the paperwork required so much effort. This is, of course, on top of full-time teaching 5 high school English courses, which if you're ignorant to this - we teachers have a massive amount of grading to do on a weekly basis. And I coached volleyball in the fall and co-moderated the yearbook up until my departure. Lastly, I had to sell my possessions and pack up what remained of my DC apartment to move myself and my stuff home to my parents' home in Florida. I'm not asking for a medal, I'm merely painting a picture as to why I can say that yes, I felt overwhelmed prior to my arrival in Panamá.

But a slower, more simplistic life is what I'm aiming for. I'm not claiming I'll be able to perfect my life in the PC or anything that dramatic. Plus, any journey story makes it clear that in order to find oneself - just go back to the starting point. I do want to change though. Maybe it will be subtle. I understand that my experience in PC will likely be different than those without my same life experiences, but I too want personal growth, even if it just means learning more about what makes me, me. Already I have made some self discoveries. These are things I knew, but now I know I know them. If that makes sense. I have learned that I adjust to situations well. And I've learned that I have a gift that others often struggle with. I get along well with others. I have empathy for others and an ability to connect with people. Like I said, I kind of knew these things, but after witnessing others struggling, I realized that this gift sets me apart. I've also learned just how tough I am on myself. I've wanted to learn Spanish more quickly than I have. I don't know why I thought it would be a faster process, but I did! So now I'm trying to be kinder to myself. I wanted adventure. I wanted to be lost and confused and frustrated. Mission accomplished. I wanted to laugh, to jump in rivers, to speak comfortably in Spanish, to see the many beautiful sites in Panamá. Well, that's just begun.

I know that in all my life struggles I've experienced the most growth, so while I'm not hoping for hard times ahead - I'm confident that there will be plenty of chances for self growth. So, this is me taking my shot at taking some time for me. Already, I'm reaping benefits. I'm excited to see what discoveries are made on the adventure ahead. Because here I am, in Panamá, with two years to learn about another culture and language, with two years to make personal connections, with two years to help a community, with two years to travel in Panamá, and with two years to grow as a person.

Let's Do This!